Do you remember the Seinfeld episode where Elaine obsesses over the fact that her perfect boyfriend doesn’t use enough exclamation marks? I know women who are equally over-thinking when it comes to dating, and probably miss out on dating a lot of nice men as a result. Here’s a true story: A while back, a female friend called me and asked, “Do you remember that guy, Sean*, that I was talking to last night? He sent me a text message that says, ‘It was so nice to meet you and I hope that we can get together again soon.’ What do you think he means by that?”
“I think he means it was so nice to meet you and he hopes you can get together again soon.”
“Well he sent it at 10:30 last night after he got home. I think he wanted to have a booty call! I would NEVER go out with a man who thought I was the type to respond to a booty call! If he calls me, I’m not going to answer!”
O….K… I think I might interpret it that he was just excited to meet you, and was maybe hoping for a date (not a booty call), but whatever.
A week later, the same woman called me again and said, “Remember that guy, Joe, that I was talking to on Saturday? He just sent me text saying that he enjoyed meeting me and would like to get together again.”
“That’s nice”
“Obviously he’s married or has a girlfriend. I could never date a married man.”
“WHY do you think he’s married?”
“Well, today is Monday! I met him on Saturday! If he wasn’t attached, he would have texted me the same night after he got home. But obviously he had a wife or girlfriend at home and that’s why he couldn’t text me until now!”
“I don’t know that I would come to the same conclusion. He might have just been busy over the weekend. And I thought you didn’t like it when the other guy texted you the same night…..”
“No. He’s obviously attached and I will never date him.”
Those men don’t know it, but they may have dodged a whole lot of crazy.
Communication in the digital age can be so complicated. The written words can be taken out of context and possibly misunderstood as sarcasm when it was really a compliment. Combine that with too much time alone, and these misinterpretations can rattle around in our heads and make us crazy. After raising three boys, I thought I would welcome the quiet of living alone. However, the quiet of being alone so much meant that I had a bit too much time to think. As in the examples above, I would allow a simple incident to become much bigger due to overthinking, i.e. “John didn’t respond to my email! Is he mad at me? What did I say that could have upset him? What if he fires me from this project? I could lose my job!….” And on and on it goes creating increasing anxiety and worry.
A very good therapist from the Greenwich Center for Hope and Renewal advised me that when I began to feel myself going down that rabbit hole…to STOP! And ask myself “What is the truth?” In the example above, I would think: the truth is, John may be in back-to-back meetings today and unable to respond to the email. Or his mailbox may be so full that it was overlooked. Or he got busy and forgot to respond. All very plausible and more realistic than him wanting me fired. I’ll just ping him and asked if he received my email. (Cleansing breath)
As I type this in July 2020, the country is still experiencing the pandemic of the COVID 19 virus which began at the beginning of the year. The headlines have continually screamed about the (very real) dangers of the virus and some outlets almost seem to enjoy projecting the worse case scenarios. Early on in the shut down, I talked to a woman (remotely, due to self-distancing) who is a young widow raising her preteen children alone. She had the sniffles and immediately dove down the rabbit hole of “I’m going to die and who is going to raise my children?” As we spoke, I shared the advice above. What is the truth? The truth is that it is probably just a simple cold. Or even seasonal allergies. At the time, she had been confined to her home for over two weeks and had been diligent about practicing cleanliness and self-distancing. The likelihood of her having had contact with the virus were very low. That is THE TRUTH.
Next time you feel yourself going down some rabbit hole of anxious thoughts, STOP. Ask yourself, what is the truth?
“Cast all your anxiety on Him, because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7
“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5
“I’m no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God.” Listen to the song here
*All the names have been changed for this story.