Eight years ago, if you would have asked me what part of the United States that I wanted to live, my absolute last choice would have been the Northeast. My perception (based on very little experience) was that the people in the Northeast are rude and unfriendly, and focused on money and status rather than good moral values. It’s a stereotype that I accepted. Imagine my surprise when—due to a job transfer—I ended up living in Connecticut, just north of New York City, for almost 7 years, from 2013 through 2019.
I quickly learned that there are plenty of people who fit the stereotype there. That’s why stereotypes exist. During my first weekend in Stamford, I took the train into New York City to see a show. I grabbed dinner beforehand, sitting at the restaurant bar, chatting with other diners nearby. Suddenly, a man snapped at me, “Stop being nice! You’re not in Ohio anymore! You’re in New York City! We don’t talk to strangers!” Okay… Welcome to the Northeast, Michele. But by and large, most of the people I came to know are warm, friendly, genuine and generous. I feel blessed to call them my friends, and now have a fondness for that region of the country. The stereotype exists for a reason but–in my experience–the majority of the people do not fit it.
However, many times while living in Connecticut, I felt a subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) bias against the people from what they consider “flyover country”.
Obama’s infamous quote that people from the Midwest are “bitter…clinging to their guns and their religion,” summed up a lot of people’s perceptions about us. Then Hilary piled on by calling Trump supporters a “basket of deplorables“. Speaking at a fundraiser, she said they are “racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamophobic – you name it” When almost the entire Midwest–even Michigan and Wisconsin—went red in the 2016 election, the people living in the blue parts of the country probably felt that their view of Midwesterners was correct. I’m not saying this to be political. I’m saying that if all you know about something or someone comes from what you hear on the news, your opinions can be skewed.
Over those 7 years, some of the responses I received when I told people that I am from Ohio were quite telling. For example, they might say something like, “Oh. I went to Chicago once.” Or—“Isn’t that where Proctor and Gamble is based?” They literally knew nothing about the Midwest. They may have been to Europe every summer, but rarely ventured west of the Hudson.
One evening, while out with a group of women, one of them put her hand on my shoulder and said, “We just love Michele! She’s corn fed.” I know she meant well, but she had just called me a cow. I laughed. What else could I do? Most of the time, I just let the subtle insults roll off of my back. There was no point in allowing myself to be offended.
However, there were times when it really took some self control to keep from snapping back at people. Early on, I was making small talk at a cocktail party with a woman who said that her husband “ran a small hedge fund.” She worked as a fitness instructor and was kind of condescendingly talking about healthy eating and blah blah blah. She fit the Northeastern stereotype that I mentioned above and was getting on my nerves. When she asked where I was from, I decided to play up my “hick-ness” and replied, “I am from Napoleon, Ohio. Population 9,000. The largest Campbell Soup factory in the world is located in Napoleon!” She literally recoiled and turned up her nose. She exclaimed, “Campbell Soup! I hear that they actually encourage people to COOK with their soups!” I said, “Yep! And we cook with a lot of bacon fat, too!” She had reinforced her stereotype so I might as well reinforce mine!
The best (worst?) examples of this ignorant bias occurred with my neighborhood book club. It was a relatively small group—8-10 people at each gathering—and they are all extremely well educated and accomplished. The group includes a retired professor, lawyers, a real estate broker and finance professionals. The discussion could be very cerebral, such as, “The author is male but he writes from a female’s perspective in this book. Do you feel he sounded genuine?” That sort of thing. The discussion in other book clubs I have attended has been more like, “Would you refill my wine glass?”
One evening, we were discussing The Plot Against America by Phillip Roth. While the book is fictional, it references a very sad but real event that occurred in US history: A Nazi rally that was held in Madison Square Garden in 1939. One of the women remarked, “I can’t believe that they held such an event in New York City. They must have brought a lot of people in from the Midwest and South to fill the arena. I just can’t believe people around here would do that.” I was immediately ticked off. I thought, “Oh yeah, in the midst of the Depression, when some parts of the South were still recovering from the Civil War, I’m sure people were spending money to travel to New York for a hate rally”. Another woman agreed. “It’s hard to imagine. People here are generally so inclusive. It’s the people from the Midwest and South that are so prejudiced.” I was gritting my teeth so hard and trying to control my facial expressions as well as my anger. Hellooo! Did you forget I was in the room? You’re talking about me and almost everyone I know! As my anger built, I was debating in my head about how to best refute them. When I finally opened my mouth…..I changed the subject. I interjected, “I was at an event at Madison Square Garden recently when Google brought in their YouTube stars for the advertisers.” They asked what a YouTube star is (another example of them being out of touch) and I told them funny stories about the experience. They never knew that I was offended because I didn’t correct them. I still wonder if I handled it the right way. I took the easy way out by avoiding confrontation.
Another time, we read and discussed Rules of Civility by Amor Towles. It’s a story about a group of wealthy young people in New York City in 1938. As the author introduces one of the characters, Eve, at the beginning of the book, he describes her as being well educated and from a wealthy family, but since she was from Indiana, everyone perceived her as a “hayseed”. I commented that I could relate to that comment since I felt like many people in that region perceived me as a “hayseed”. They all looked at me blankly during a kind of awkward silence. Someone finally said, “Well, he also described her as pretty and sparkly.” I just laughed and said, “OK. I can live with being called ‘sparkly’.” Later in the discussion, after a comment from a woman who said that she had been to Minnesota and found it to be “very beige” (lacking diversity—another uninformed statement), one of the lawyers commented, “I worked with a lawyer from Minnesota once…..he was nice….” Then he looked to me like he was expecting me to give him a sign of approval. Okay…. Good for you.
I have to assert that the people in that book club are good people. They were always nice to me. Maybe it’s because I fulfilled their quota for “hayseeds” and they could pat themselves on the back for being open minded and inclusive! But I genuinely believe that they are like all of us and just trying to be the best persons they can be. Just as I had misjudged most of the people in the Northeast prior to my move there, they formed their opinions based on their own experiences (or lack of experiences). It’s an example of how we all—no matter how well meaning we are—generally have some misconceptions about those who are different than us. The only way to correct it is to get to know people for who they are vs. whatever preconceived label we may want to apply. I’m trying. And continually learning.
And I would really like to serve Green Bean Casserole to that snooty woman that dissed Campbell’s Soup! Mmmm Good!
“But the Lord said to Samuel, ‘Do not consider his appearance or his height….The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” – 1 Samuel 16:7
(Jesus said) “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you used, it will be measured to you.” – Matthew 7:1-2
“Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.” – 1 Peter 2:12