A few years ago, I had a dream in which I looked down at a very ugly toddler and became angry. I grabbed him by the arm and began stomping down a hallway saying, “We need to get you back to your mother!” When I woke up, I felt bad wondering why I was so mean to this child in my dream? I’m generally a nice person. I can’t imagine ever being that mean to a child. Then I remembered a trick someone taught me a while back: “Ask yourself what the ugly baby represents in your life.” All of a sudden it hit me! Eddie*, my neighbor!
A couple of months after moving into a luxury high rise apartment building in Connecticut, I noticed a 50-ish year old man —attractive enough—who had moved into our building after getting divorced. One evening, I ran into him while he was out walking his dog in the park across the street. As we chatted, he told me that he was recently divorced and he had just adopted the puppy after moving into the building. Everything was fine until he told me, “Well, I need to go back inside. My 28-year-old girlfriend is waiting for me in bed.” (GIANT EYE ROLL). I stated, “Well, I hope you’ve had a vasectomy because you know she’s going to get pregnant. I mean, she’s 28 and dating a much older guy. It happens all the time.” That was the end of our conversation!
A few weeks later, I was laughing and telling the story to my brother and he interjected, “Michele! You can’t talk to someone like that! Even though it may be true, you can’t say it! You should apologize to him.” So—feeling guilty, I watched for him in the park and the next time I saw him, I stopped him to say, “My brother tells me that I owe you an apology. I’m sorry that I was rude to you that day.” He said, “Aw, it’s okay. That woman is long gone anyway.” (Is anyone surprised?) As I walked around the block with him and his dog, we shared the common topic anytime building residents met: “What unit are you?” I told him my unit number, which was on a corner overlooking the park where most residents walked their dogs. When we returned to the building, we each went our own way. I felt better because I had been able to apologize and reconcile for my snarky remark about his former girlfriend.
However, that’s when it got “interesting”. The next morning, there was a knock on my door, which startled me. (The concierge in the lobby usually called to notify me of any guests). I opened the door to see Eddie! He asked if I had any coffee since he was out. O…K… And here is where I made my biggest mistake: While I made him a cup of coffee in my Keurig, he asked me for my cell phone number and I gave it to him. Like I said before, he was kind of cute. Why not? From then on, I was getting regular text messages: “Do you have any soda? I’m out.” “Do you have any stamps?” “Can I borrow your car while mine’s in the shop?” (Seriously! He asked that!”) I was generally cooperative until he got to be too much. He was always “borrowing” but never returning anything. I began to reply with “Sorry, I’m not home right now,” even when I was sitting in my living room. He was like a stray dog that wouldn’t go away!
Finally, on a Sunday night in December—about 8 months after this all started—I arrived home around 10pm, and flipped on the lights in my dark apartment. Within seconds, I got a text from Eddie. “Can I stop by to borrow some soda?” I didn’t feel like I could lie and say that I wasn’t home. He was probably walking his dog across the street and saw the lights. I told him it was okay and a few minutes later, Eddie was at my door. We walked into the kitchen together, and when I opened my refrigerator, he saw beer and said, “Oh! You have beer! Can I have a beer instead?” Sure. He opened the bottle, took a swig and whined, “Do you have any food? I don’t have any food in my apartment and I’m so hungry!” Then he began to cry. He started sobbing about how he had totally messed up his life. He left a good wife and broke up his family. He was having problems at work and was running out of money. I just stared at him. Part of me wanted to say, “Yeah. You’re a dumbass.” But the compassionate part of me saw that he was like a helpless little boy. This was an adult man who couldn’t function on his own. That’s why he was constantly asking me for stuff. The compassionate part of me thought I should probably hug him but I didn’t want to hug him. I was afraid of how he’d react to that. (I’ve watched enough romance movies to know how that scene usually goes…) So I stood in my kitchen beside this tall middle-aged man, and patted his shoulder while he cried. It was a bit awkward….
Eventually, I filled a shopping bag with leftovers and other food, threw in a few beers and sent him on his way.
After that night, Eddie seemed to avoid me, and I was okay with that. I figured he was embarrassed for crying in my kitchen and begging for food. A few weeks later, I started seeing him on the elevator with another woman. She was always carrying a bag of groceries or carryout food so I assumed that had something to do with the attraction.
So the ugly toddler in the dream that I was trying to give back to his mom was representative of the annoying neighbor. Needy and helpless and annoying! And then he got a new “mom”!
As a Christian, I often struggle with the line between being generous and being used by takers, like Eddie. The Bible is filled with hundreds of verses about generosity such as this passage from the Gospel of Luke 3:10-11: “And the crowds asked (Jesus), ‘What then shall we do?’ And he answered them, ‘Whoever has two tunics is to share with him who has none, and whoever has food is to do likewise’.”
We are compelled to be generous but we also have to set boundaries to protect ourselves. We can only imagine the crowds around Jesus as word spread about how he healed the sick and fed the hungry. Yet the Gospels tell us he demonstrated how to lovingly set boundaries as he interacted with them. That’s another huge topic on which many books have been written. However a very good and concise explanation is in this blog by Bill and Kristi Gaultiere: “Jesus set Boundaries.”
I tend to err on the side of generosity and consequently attract the “takers”, but experience and Jesus’ example have helped me to recognize bad behavior and to protect myself. We typically believe that we show love through generosity, and I would agree. But sometimes love requires us to lovingly push back. Give that “ugly baby” back to his mom!
*Name changed to protect the needy